My
parents told me that when I was little, I was extremely independent and
strong-willed. They told me that I had a creative, determined, and
straightforward way of thinking. They said that if I there was anything I
wanted to do, the only person who could stop me from doing it was myself.
As
a kid, I knew who I was and whom I wanted to become, but as I grew up my inward
stability started to sway back-and-forth. The older I became, the more I
realized that my emotions were getting harder and harder to control. My
unstable emotions started to become progressively worse in 8th
grade, and by then I knew that there had to be something wrong with me. After a
lot of research on mental disorders, I came to the conclusion that I was
bipolar. My self-prescribed diagnosis was confirmed by my psychologist and
psychiatrist in March 2012, who said that I had Bipolar II, Seasonal Affective
Disorder, and intense anxiety.
The
struggle to control my emotions and achieve balance in my life is the main
journey that I go through every day. My constant mood swings affect nearly
everything I do on a daily basis. It’s hard for me to maintain solid grades
because my motivation to do things always changes. I can’t have a healthy
dating life and my relationships with friends and family are constantly
strained because of my lack of emotionally stability. Being bipolar affects me
physically as well, because my sleep and eating patterns change according to
whether I’m in my depressive phase or manic phase.
The
problem with being bipolar is that you don’t quite know how you’re going to
feel the next day, and almost every emotion is heightened and intensified. Instead
of feeling “normal”, I either feel depressed and stressed and anxious, or
charismatic and energetic and bubbly. When I’m in my depressive phase, the old
Jazmyne that was determined and hard-working completely goes away, and she’s
replaced by someone who’s lazy and unmotivated and surrenders to sadness. When
I’m in my manic phase, the old Jazmyne is electrified, and it’s like I need to
do a billion things at once in order to feel alive and tell people about
everything beautiful and wonderful in life. And I can’t just ignore my
intensified emotions, either- it’s always there in the back of my mind, ready
to resurface and cause problems in my life. Similar to Odysseus’ struggle with
overcoming adversaries to go home, it’s like every place I turn the thing I’m
trying to overcome brings more problems.
Like
Odysseus’ distractions, there are distractions I have to deal with that constantly
prevent me from reaching my destination, which is achieving balance in my life.
I think that one of the biggest distractions is my never-ending concern for
other people because whenever something happens to someone I care about I
become agitated and worried for them. There are so many things that my family
members and friends deal with, and I always let their problems add to the
stress of my own problems. Multiple family members and friends of mine have
mental disorders, as well, and I always trouble myself more than I should about
their happiness and well-being. Some of my family members also have physical
complications, and so I get worked up about their health and how they are doing
all the time. Many of my friends are self-conscious and complain to me a lot
about their unhappiness about how they are, which make me feel the need to
console and fret over them. Another distraction I have that ties in to my
concern for other people is my concern for my family’s finances. I worry as
much, if not more, about the financial stability of my family. I make a lot of
sacrifices so that I don’t feel like a financial burden to my parents, and I
worry a lot about bills and how I can help save my family money.
Odysseus
is faced with many temptations throughout his journey, and every now and then
it seems easier for him to surrender to the temptations that taunt him. For me,
it’s also tempting to give up to my emotions, or to give in to negative ways to
cope with how I feel. A lot of times I do submit to whatever phase I am in and
I let my unstable emotions take over my life. When I’m in my depressive phase,
it’s easy to just not do work and stay unmotivated. I rationalize that being in
my manic phase is helpful to me because I get things done and I’m more social
in that phase. Many times I’ve been tempted to turn to poisonous groups of
friends to relieve or magnify whatever phase I’m in. In both of my phases, I
can be extremely impulsive, which is a huge temptation I have to try and
counter with rationalization (which doesn’t always work).
The
main antagonist I have in my journey to maintain steadiness over my emotions is
myself. I am a very stubborn, independent, and defensive person. At first, it
took me a while to convince myself that I needed help to deal with my emotions
because I am very reluctant to ask people for help. I always do this thing
where I bury my feelings deep inside of me and never show it to people because
I don’t want them to lose sleep over me. Most of the time I try to deal with my
problems on my own and try not to involve anyone else in the problematic side
of my life. My stubbornness and pride gets in the way of fixing my problems,
much like how Odysseus had ran into problems because of his stubbornness and
pride.
Even
though there are a lot of things holding me back from achieving my goal of
creating balance in my life, I possess a lot of things that help and support me
while on this journey. Like Odysseus, I have people who support me and somewhat
admirable traits that aid me while I am in a tough position.
I
have a lot of qualities that counter my stubborn, independent, and defensive
traits. When it comes to the things that I want to accomplish and the goals I
have, I am very determined to get them done. Much like how Odysseus always put
everything he had into his goals and was determined to get home, I work very
hard whenever I really want something. I also have a lot of integrity when it
comes to how I am. I am very honest with myself and with the people around me,
so usually I am able to recognize when something is wrong with me, the reason
for why I feel that way, and why I need to fix whatever problem I am having.
Because I have a good amount of integrity about myself, I also know that
whenever I’m in distress I know I should ask for help and do therapeutic,
healthy things instead of turning to other means of relieving my stress and
agitation.
Another
thing that helps me along my journey is the people who support me. My doctors
and therapists are supportive of me and try to do the best they can with
diagnosing and helping me treat my mental disorders. My friends are also
extremely supportive and understanding of my struggles, and try to help me in
any way they can. A lot of times I use my friends members as a way to vent
about my feelings, and they always offer their sympathy and advice and
guidance. My family is also very supportive of me. At first they didn’t really
want to believe anything was wrong with me, but after being diagnosed and
medicated, they try to help me and know how to handle me in my different phases
and how to make sure I stay sane and happy.
Even
though the journey I have ahead of me is a difficult one to travel, I know that
with the support I have from my friends and family and the drive I have to get
better will help me through it. There will always be temptations along the way
of this journey and distractions that will hold me back from being happy, but I
know that eventually I will become prudent and have balance in my life. Similar
to Odysseus’ long and painful journey, it may take many years and a lot of
trials and tribulations for me to finally reach my destination, but I know that
one day I will eventually be in peace with myself, be able to control my
emotions and have a balanced life.
Synopsis of Books
9-10, 11, 21-23
Book 9
Odysseus
and his men land on the island of the Lotus-eaters, where the people who live
there give them lotus fruit. The lotus fruit makes all of the men forget that
they want to go home and cause them to stay on the island for a long time. Odysseus
gets him and his men off the island and sail away. They land on the island of
the Cyclopes, the son of the sea-god Poseidon. Odysseus and his men wander into
the Cyclopes’ cave, where they eat his food and get eaten by the Cyclopes in
return. Odysseus and his men escape the Cyclopes’ island by blinding him and
then sneaking away under the bellies of the Cyclopes’ herd of sheep. Blinding
the Cyclopes makes Poseidon angry, and guarantees Odysseus and his men an even
harder journey back home.
Book 10
Odysseus
and his men sail to the island of the wind-god, Aeolus. He helps Odysseus by
giving him a bag of winds. Using the western wind, Odysseus and his men arrive
close enough to Ithaca to see it, but are then set back even further because of
Odysseus’ jealous, greedy shipmates. Odysseus and his men eventually land on
another island, the island of Circe, a witch. She lures in some of Odysseus’
men into her palace and turns them into pigs. Odysseus goes to find and rescue
them, and with the help of Hermes, is able to avoid Circe’s magic. Circe makes
Odysseus stay with her for a year as her lover, but eventually lets them go
with advice on how to get home.
Book 11
Odysseus
travels to the River Styx in the underworld to find the blind prophet,
Tiresias. With the help of Circe’s advice, Odysseus attracts the dead and finds
Tiresias. Tiresias tells Odysseus about his fate and warns him about what he
should do to have a smoother ride home.
Book 21
Odysseus
has returned home alone disguised as a beggar. Odysseus reveals his identity to
two of his most trusted followers and asks them to help him in return for
treating them and being a part of the royal family. Penelope has announced to
all her potential suitors that she will marry the man who wins her contest. The
rules of the contest are to string Odysseus’ bow and shoot through a line of
twelve axes. All of the suitors try to string the bow but fail at doing so.
Odysseus steps up to string the bow, and succeeds in stringing it and shooting
it through all the axes.
Book 22
After
he wins the competition, his disguise disappears. With the help of his goddess,
Athena, Odysseus and he and his son kill every suitor in the kingdom. He then
proceeds to kill all the unfaithful women servants he has and take back his kingdom.
Book 23
Penelope
goes to see Odysseus and when she sees him, she faints. When she comes to, she
finds Odysseus in front of her again, but doesn’t believe that he is really who
he is. She thinks that the gods are playing another trick on her. She tells
Odysseus that she needs help moving the bed back to the bedroom, a lie that
only Odysseus could know the truth to. Odysseus gets mad and says that it was
impossible to move the bed unless it was cut from the tree he grew around it.
With the answer that she wanted, Penelope embraces him. Everyone is eventually
appeased and lives happily ever after.
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